Yesterday, I was far more rattled than I needed to be about whether or not I would get some information I needed to meet a deadline. I had completely lost perspective about the importance of getting the task done.
Do you ever do that?
Oh, sure, there were times I remembered the Big Picture, and I was not giving myself ulcers or anything. Part of the stress came from having to trust someone who did not appear to be reliable, someone who had already proven to be unreliable to some degree. Not exactly like asking one of the 2-year-old grandsons to drive the car, but perhaps like asking the 5-year-old granddaughter (who wants to be a fairy when she grows up) to carry a full glass of milk to the table. Still room for too much to go wrong.
Where was my peace? Why wasn't I resting in all the Fruit of the Spirit of the God I worship?
How had I managed to lose it in such a short time?
Funny how if this had been a major crisis, I probably would have turned quickly to God, and would have been in the zone of his comfort, peace, and the adrenaline needed for the task at hand. For this minor matter, though, I was sweating it on my own to a certain extent on auto-pilot--and not very well.
A lifetime of following God had left some habits in place. I wasn't mean to my Lab partner. I just kept after her for the info I needed. I did pray for God's help. But I kept staying unsettled inside until the project was finished and uploaded to the website for the professor to grade--with 12 hours to spare.
What did all my interruptions do to her day? When her schedule is not as full, I'll have to find out, and apologize if necessary.
How would my day have looked if I had been living according to Philippians 4:6,7?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Lord, work in my heart today. Fill it with yourself, your peace, your Spirit. Help me to grow in YOU, so that I am not anxious about ANY thing, but in EVERY thing, I can present my requests to you and thank you for what you do.
Thank you that your peace, beyond my understanding, WILL guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Acceptance: I am beginning to have hope again
This is not what you wanted. Your life is coming back together, though, and you are beginning to have hope in your heart again.
You'll never be the same, but you are starting th think that you just might have a life, a different one, but a life. You'll bring to that life a strength and depth you didn't begin to have before.
Even after you have reached this stage, however, you may still have moments, or days when you go back into one of the earlier stages. When this happens, you will forget all that you have accomplished, and that you really are better.
If you know that this is normal, and to be expected, you may feel less worried when is comes.
Acceptance comes gradually, as you catch yourself laughing, or feeling happy for a few hours or days. You will have parts of days that feel almost like your old self, or you forget for a time what has happened.
The first time you find yourself happy, or laughing, you may at first feel that you are betraing what you've gone through, or who you lost by feeling less sad. The opposite is true!
By living again, you show respect for the gift you've been given through your crisis. Terrible as it's been, you'll eventually gain something from what has happened. And I mean more than the trite and true "you'll be bigger for this." Something profound has happened and you have come to the other side. You are different. You have gained. I don't need to promise this.
What is more important, God promises you this.
You'll never be the same, but you are starting th think that you just might have a life, a different one, but a life. You'll bring to that life a strength and depth you didn't begin to have before.
Even after you have reached this stage, however, you may still have moments, or days when you go back into one of the earlier stages. When this happens, you will forget all that you have accomplished, and that you really are better.
If you know that this is normal, and to be expected, you may feel less worried when is comes.
Acceptance comes gradually, as you catch yourself laughing, or feeling happy for a few hours or days. You will have parts of days that feel almost like your old self, or you forget for a time what has happened.
The first time you find yourself happy, or laughing, you may at first feel that you are betraing what you've gone through, or who you lost by feeling less sad. The opposite is true!
By living again, you show respect for the gift you've been given through your crisis. Terrible as it's been, you'll eventually gain something from what has happened. And I mean more than the trite and true "you'll be bigger for this." Something profound has happened and you have come to the other side. You are different. You have gained. I don't need to promise this.
What is more important, God promises you this.
Despair: This feels like the worst
While you are going through the Stages of Depression, you may reach a point of Despair. Despair can be much more serious than the other stages. It can feel as if there is no hope, as if you will be depressed forever. Nothing seems fun or enjoyable, and everything seems harder to do. Getting out of bed in the morning can be the hardest part of the day.
Despair is a normal part of getting better, but it feels like your're crazy and out of control. It does seem to go on and on. No wonder you start looking for ways to ease the pain, whether they're good or bad for you in the long run. Overeating, or eating junk food for a short time won't harm you right away. But if you are getting out of control with drinking, drugs, reckless driving, anger, or any other self-destructive means, you need to look for help now.
If the idea of being helpless and stuck in your pain has made you think, even briefly, about harming yourself, as I've said elsewhere, get help now. If you can't think of anything else, call 911 and talk to the operator before you hurt yourself. Someone else maybe able to help you understand that your problems really are going to end, and things will eventually get better.
On the other hand, you can get stuck in the pain of despair, just as you can with anger or denial. For too many years, for example, I mistakenly thought the only way I could hold onto the value of my newborn daughter's short life was through the sadness and grief I felt about her death.
I needed to realize that holding onto the grief did nothing for my baby daughter, and in fact hurt many others by my stunted life. Finally, I realized that her life was in fact memorialized when I was whole, and no longer so filled with sadness about her death. I needed to live my life as the mother of her surviving sisters.
You may believe that if you stopped hurting and felt joy, your would dishonor the loss, or you would be saying that a loss was less significant. Of course, neither is true. What you loved is gone, and you have been left behind to go on for a reason. Your job is to find the reason and share it with the world.
You may never discover all the answers to your "whys," but you still have much to give others, no matter what it feels like now. I have seen the comfort I have been able to give countless others, which began because of Elizabeth Joy's very short life and death.
Despair is the most dangerous stage. If you have become unable to cope with your life, and feel so trapped by your pain that death seems the only way to stop it, get help right now, before you make a permanent decision for a temporary problem.
Despair is a normal part of getting better, but it feels like your're crazy and out of control. It does seem to go on and on. No wonder you start looking for ways to ease the pain, whether they're good or bad for you in the long run. Overeating, or eating junk food for a short time won't harm you right away. But if you are getting out of control with drinking, drugs, reckless driving, anger, or any other self-destructive means, you need to look for help now.
If the idea of being helpless and stuck in your pain has made you think, even briefly, about harming yourself, as I've said elsewhere, get help now. If you can't think of anything else, call 911 and talk to the operator before you hurt yourself. Someone else maybe able to help you understand that your problems really are going to end, and things will eventually get better.
On the other hand, you can get stuck in the pain of despair, just as you can with anger or denial. For too many years, for example, I mistakenly thought the only way I could hold onto the value of my newborn daughter's short life was through the sadness and grief I felt about her death.
I needed to realize that holding onto the grief did nothing for my baby daughter, and in fact hurt many others by my stunted life. Finally, I realized that her life was in fact memorialized when I was whole, and no longer so filled with sadness about her death. I needed to live my life as the mother of her surviving sisters.
You may believe that if you stopped hurting and felt joy, your would dishonor the loss, or you would be saying that a loss was less significant. Of course, neither is true. What you loved is gone, and you have been left behind to go on for a reason. Your job is to find the reason and share it with the world.
You may never discover all the answers to your "whys," but you still have much to give others, no matter what it feels like now. I have seen the comfort I have been able to give countless others, which began because of Elizabeth Joy's very short life and death.
Despair is the most dangerous stage. If you have become unable to cope with your life, and feel so trapped by your pain that death seems the only way to stop it, get help right now, before you make a permanent decision for a temporary problem.
Anger: Let's be honest about Anger
Usually, you will direct anger at the safest target, whether at yourself, God, or someone who you see as less powerful than yourself. For example, if you are angry with your boss, but cannot let him know for fear of losing your job, you may yell at your spouse or children--or at other drivers in your path.
When you vent your anger toward someone less powerful than you, you are traumatizing that person, so do not try to rationalize this as being acceptable. Being in pain cannot ever be used as an excuse to hurt someone else. About anger towards God, however: God created anger as one of the normal reactions to a loss, and he can handle it as well as he can all your negative emotions.
Anger at yourself may show up in self-destructive actions: smoking, drinking too much, driving dangerously, eating foods that you know are not good for you, abusing medications or drugs. Hurting yourself always hurts others who love you, no matter how isolated and alone you feel right now. Driving recklessly may hurt or kill someone else, even if you are alone in the car.
If you are feeling trapped in an environment where you cannot show your anger, it will come out in other ways that may not look like anger.
For instance, anger can be a surprising reason for suicide. The thinking can be as obvious as, "I'll show him (her/them). Then they'll see what they did to me." If you any any variation of this going on in your mind, get help now. Your pain is distorting your thinking, and you may not be able to pull yourself out of it alone. I talk more about suicide in a later section of my book, but you can get help online, in the phone book, from a professional, a pastor, a friend.
Long lasting, unresolved anger keeps you trapped in your pain, leading you to take it out on others as well as yourself. Hurting people hurt other people. Unlike the anesthesia of denial, anger keeps you in agony; it will eat away at your heart like acid, filling you with bitterness and wounding those you love most.
If it seems as if everyone you come in contact with is angry, then they may be reflecting your anger back at you.
When you vent your anger toward someone less powerful than you, you are traumatizing that person, so do not try to rationalize this as being acceptable. Being in pain cannot ever be used as an excuse to hurt someone else. About anger towards God, however: God created anger as one of the normal reactions to a loss, and he can handle it as well as he can all your negative emotions.
Anger at yourself may show up in self-destructive actions: smoking, drinking too much, driving dangerously, eating foods that you know are not good for you, abusing medications or drugs. Hurting yourself always hurts others who love you, no matter how isolated and alone you feel right now. Driving recklessly may hurt or kill someone else, even if you are alone in the car.
If you are feeling trapped in an environment where you cannot show your anger, it will come out in other ways that may not look like anger.
For instance, anger can be a surprising reason for suicide. The thinking can be as obvious as, "I'll show him (her/them). Then they'll see what they did to me." If you any any variation of this going on in your mind, get help now. Your pain is distorting your thinking, and you may not be able to pull yourself out of it alone. I talk more about suicide in a later section of my book, but you can get help online, in the phone book, from a professional, a pastor, a friend.
Long lasting, unresolved anger keeps you trapped in your pain, leading you to take it out on others as well as yourself. Hurting people hurt other people. Unlike the anesthesia of denial, anger keeps you in agony; it will eat away at your heart like acid, filling you with bitterness and wounding those you love most.
If it seems as if everyone you come in contact with is angry, then they may be reflecting your anger back at you.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Bargaining: Make it go away!
Bargaining is negotiation, whether with God or with others you think might be able to help you with your problem. We've all heard the classic, "God, if you keep this from happening, I'll--(fill in the blank with an enormous promise)." Bargaining can be magical thinking, as if God is your genie in the bottle, and you have to get a formula right to make him do your bidding.
The downsides of bargaining:
The downsides of bargaining:
- If you spend too much time making promises, and trying to avoid your problem, you're not actually doing anything to help your problem or solve it.
- While you're bargaining, you're draining off your important energy for no benefit
After the event, especially something terrible, bargaining can take the form of,"if only." In the car accident example: if you had arrived earlier or later, if you had chosen a different route, etc., etc.
We're talking about bargaining, not Post-Traumatic Stress, of course, which is a different matter. For that, you will usually need someone to help you break the cycle of recurrent thoughts about your traumatic event. I'm talking about something less complicated, although problematic in other ways.
You may believe that if only you had done things differently, if only had not done something or other... you might have changed the outcome. You can delude yourself into thinking you can change the past by dwelling on it and wishing it away.
If you're stuck in replaying history, hoping you can change it, your present is gone, and your future is empty. What a waste!
We'll get to the ways to become unstuck after we finish the Stages of Depression. Hang on!
More on Denial: Say it isn't so!
The long-term problem with denial comes when you cannot keep on moving through it. If you cannot allow yourself to see the unpleasant reality that has intruded into your life, you won't be able to do what you must:
- finding a new job
- starting to grieve
- getting your finances in order
- getting out of a toxic job, marriage, relationship, etc.
- stopping abuse
Denial can leave you trapped, unable to work through your grief, unable to take action when you must, unable to draw up a will while you have the strength. You may stay with an employer who demoralizes you, or contribute to a loved one's addiction.
The substance abuse recovery movement calls this not seeing the elephant in the living room. Living like the elephant of your problem is not there, can be a full-time job.
Denial was built for your survival, but it was not intended for a permanent hideout. If you move in permanently, you can miss the rest of your life. Don't do it. You may miss some pain temporarily, but you'll miss the joy, the hope, and the comfort God offers freely to you.
Recovery through the Stages of Depression: Denial
A crisis is a turning point in your life, and literally feels like it carries life or death consequences to you in some way. Therefore, your body will react as if you are under a full-fledged attack from outside forces. Prepare for your body to defend itself using all its resources.
Denial is a survival mechanism, hard-wired by God into your body and mind to protect you from harm while you react to an immediate threat to you or your loved ones. The worse the reality, the more denial there will be to protect you from it. Denial allows you to act in the midst of an emergency, doing essential tasks required during that time.
The value of denial is easy to see in a literal life-or-death situaltion. For example: pulling a loved one out of a burning car that has just crashed. Without denial, you would fall apart at the sight of the flames, from the pain of your own injuries, or the terror of seeing your loved one injured. Denial for the sake of survival allows you to ignore the very real dangers to do what needs to be done to save your loved one, despite the circumstances.
Whatever your crisis is, you will stay in denial as long as you feel endangered; once you feel safe enough, the reality will be begin to reveal itself, sometimes in small jolts, other times like a tidal wave crashing through your barrier of protection. Then you will collapse, emotionally and/or physically.
This let-down reaction will also come after any outburst of adrenaline, whether it is triggered by excitement and delight or by trauma. If you just finished a major accomplishment, a triumph, you can expect a let-down. Remember that it is normal it collapse, even feel depressed, after a major event. You are not crazy, weak, or sick. This will not last.
Denial is a survival mechanism, hard-wired by God into your body and mind to protect you from harm while you react to an immediate threat to you or your loved ones. The worse the reality, the more denial there will be to protect you from it. Denial allows you to act in the midst of an emergency, doing essential tasks required during that time.
The value of denial is easy to see in a literal life-or-death situaltion. For example: pulling a loved one out of a burning car that has just crashed. Without denial, you would fall apart at the sight of the flames, from the pain of your own injuries, or the terror of seeing your loved one injured. Denial for the sake of survival allows you to ignore the very real dangers to do what needs to be done to save your loved one, despite the circumstances.
Whatever your crisis is, you will stay in denial as long as you feel endangered; once you feel safe enough, the reality will be begin to reveal itself, sometimes in small jolts, other times like a tidal wave crashing through your barrier of protection. Then you will collapse, emotionally and/or physically.
This let-down reaction will also come after any outburst of adrenaline, whether it is triggered by excitement and delight or by trauma. If you just finished a major accomplishment, a triumph, you can expect a let-down. Remember that it is normal it collapse, even feel depressed, after a major event. You are not crazy, weak, or sick. This will not last.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Dealing with change
What you have now is an unpleasant blob of reality you have to make into a new functioning life. The average, NORMAL person's reaction to this involves some form of depression. After all it's the normal reaction to any loss. Ever lose your car keys?
First stage (Denial) "I know they're somewhere--honey, where did you put my keys???" Look frantically all over in the same places.
Second stage (Bargaining) "Honey, if you help me find the keys, I'll take you out to dinner...?"
Third stage (Anger) "How could I be so stupid!! Why do I always do this when I'm late?!? Blast that cat!"
Fourth stage (Despair) "No! I can't miss my meeting with the boss! He'll kill me!"
Fifth stage (Acceptance) "I have to call a cab."
Depression is the normal reaction to losing anything. It is a series of stages that you will pass through at least once on the way to forming a new life. You were built to handle them, but they are not fun. The only good part about them is that you a NOT alone. Let's hear from others who are with you.
The depression that comes with grief is looks different from the depression of losing your job, but the stages are the same:
First stage (Denial) "I know they're somewhere--honey, where did you put my keys???" Look frantically all over in the same places.
Second stage (Bargaining) "Honey, if you help me find the keys, I'll take you out to dinner...?"
Third stage (Anger) "How could I be so stupid!! Why do I always do this when I'm late?!? Blast that cat!"
Fourth stage (Despair) "No! I can't miss my meeting with the boss! He'll kill me!"
Fifth stage (Acceptance) "I have to call a cab."
Depression is the normal reaction to losing anything. It is a series of stages that you will pass through at least once on the way to forming a new life. You were built to handle them, but they are not fun. The only good part about them is that you a NOT alone. Let's hear from others who are with you.
The depression that comes with grief is looks different from the depression of losing your job, but the stages are the same:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Despair
- Acceptance
I happen to be one who believes you're not on your own through this process. God is with you, and he will give you strength and hope as you travel to the new life on the other side of your crisis. I know, because he helped me. He gave me hope when I was alone and powerless on the battlefields of my life. I know he can help you.
What happens when you have a crisis
As I said before, no matter what your turning point was: loss of job, death of loved one, etc., the big constant is CHANGE. Your life changed in a way that was out of your control.
Change in your life, even good change, usually means you lost something else. Sometimes you gain in a change, like a new job, or a new life, but frequently the first part of the change is negative.
Perhaps the whole thing that happened to you is negative. You lost someone or something you loved, you needed, you counted on. You lost part of yourself in that loss. You know this already. It's glaringly clear you lost a huge part of your life, and you feel like there's a gaping hole inside you.
You see other people walking around, and it looks like their lives might be so easy. How do they do it? Well, of course, their lives are not always easy, any more than yours. But we're going to talk about ways to help you manage what's going on in your life. Readers, please write in with ways that work for you.
Change in your life, even good change, usually means you lost something else. Sometimes you gain in a change, like a new job, or a new life, but frequently the first part of the change is negative.
Perhaps the whole thing that happened to you is negative. You lost someone or something you loved, you needed, you counted on. You lost part of yourself in that loss. You know this already. It's glaringly clear you lost a huge part of your life, and you feel like there's a gaping hole inside you.
You see other people walking around, and it looks like their lives might be so easy. How do they do it? Well, of course, their lives are not always easy, any more than yours. But we're going to talk about ways to help you manage what's going on in your life. Readers, please write in with ways that work for you.
Definition of a crisis
Here you are, flapping around with all your rubber bands broken and your hair is in flames. The fire extinguisher is miles away behind safety glass.
Sound anything like your life? With the economy, many of us who were close to the edge of their limits financially have fallen far over into the Grand Canyon.
No matter what the specifics are, I can tell you one terrible thing that's true for you, no matter what your crisis:
Something happened to you that was
Sound anything like your life? With the economy, many of us who were close to the edge of their limits financially have fallen far over into the Grand Canyon.
No matter what the specifics are, I can tell you one terrible thing that's true for you, no matter what your crisis:
Something happened to you that was
- Out of your control, and that
- You did not want.
What qualifies as a crisis?
- A job loss
- The death of a loved one
- Return from military service and Post-Traumatic Stress
- Divorce
- If you're looking at this, you already know
You've lost control over an important part of your life, and now you're at a turning point, faced with choices you did not want to make. Your life has changed dramatically, and you have to re-define who you are in a different world you may not like.
I'm writing this because I have gone through my share of trauma and crisis, of course. I'm going through some struggles of my own all the time, including how to live a normal life with a brain tumor. There's a conversation stopper!
I say that only to give you give some credibility to my words. This isn't pie in the sky. This is down in the trenches, slogging through the mud.
You can get through your crisis. You are in a process. And you are not alone.
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